Wild Trail

   I saw the movie 'Wild' this week, the story of a woman who walked 1100 miles on the Pacific Crest Trail. I am inspired by those who have overcome great odds and endured tremendous struggle. But to get there, at some point, that person has to be in it. That's where many are right now, in the struggle.

   One scene in the movie showed the marks on her shoulders and hips that her backpack had made chafing her skin over 100s of miles of walking. As I walked out of the theater that night, I saw my gaunt face in the reflection in the glass door, the result of 8 years with Lyme disease, the diagnosis of which has only become known to me this past year. For the first time in a long while, I liked my face. It bears the marks of my journey. It is a scar I have from living life, my red badge of courage.

   We all have our story and paths of struggle. I am reminding to appreciate what I do have and to recognize the good along the way; God's infilling Spirit, eyes to see, music, dance, and the kindness of others in many ways. I stop to breathe the fresh air along the way and know someday the trail will end.

Presence

O' cry my soul,
for years of laughter gone,
as a granite cliff collapses
over a mountain road,
forbidding passage to bubbling brooks,
glorious horizons, and fertile meadows above.
There will be no crops this year.

O' cry my soul,
yes, weep stinging, salty tears,
that the rocks may erode
as I sit on my stone,
and wait.
From under the stone
a cricket crawls, looks at me,
and hops into his newly found fortress.

Below a sparrow flies its song
above the fading echo of fallen rock
in the frost-filled forest below.
I look up to see the sun setting
on the near ridge,
changing the suspended sky water
from blue to gold.

And the crickets and cicadas
rise with the crescent, silver moon
to begin their symphonic prelude of
sadness and solitude, pain and patience,
tragedy and triumph.

Now present I, amidst the strings,
hear the rumbling bass of the river below,
miles downstream of a bubbling brook.
How unaware of it I was hours ago,
in my hurry up the winding way.

It's a different movement I hear now,
more thunderous than I expected,
fuller of emotion and sounds,
had my way not been blocked,
had I seen and heard
a smaller stream.

O' laugh my soul,
for lessons learned,
and momentary awareness gained,
amidst tumbling rocks.

I hoist my bag
and find my way down
to the river below,
aware of and thankful to
the God of mystery,
unexpected turns,
and the music as I go.

Albuquerque Sunset 10/30/13

Saw some low hanging clouds on the cliffs this evening 

and knew there might be a light show at sunset. 

I was not disappointed. Here it is. ;)

Four-footed and Winged Neighbors

This afternoon I laid down on a warm slab of rock at the bottom of this picture. What a wonderful feeling it was having the warm afternoon sun on my legs and belly, a huge, warm rock on my back, and a cool mountain breeze bringing a perfect balance. I was listening to the cry of a bird of prey in the valley and enjoying the sound of the wind when, a few minutes later, a hummingbird came and lit on a leafless tree a few yards from me. We both looked at each other for about 10 seconds then s/he zoomed over my stomach. I liked that it wasn't afraid to fly towards me.

Five to ten minutes later, some kind of chipmunk(?) jumped onto a rock below me. It was brown with black and white stripes running down its head and back. It had white stripes lining its eyes and was about 5 inches long with a long tail in the air. It then jumped onto a rock closer to have a better look. I was glad it was not afraid either. It then went away, only to appear about 10 minutes later and perched itself on a rock. It made a chuckling noise and I clicked my tongue. She cocked her head. We then had a mysterious conversation. "Chuckle, chuckle", "Click.", "Chuckle.", "Click,click." "Chuckle", "Click". She couldn't stay too long and disappeared I think to take care of some chipmunk business.

My next visitor (actually I guess I was the visitor) was a 3-4 inch lizard who spotted me from a rock well below and to my surprise, started climbing the rocks to get within a few feet of me. While looking at me sideways with one eye, he pumped his chest a few times like he was doing pushups. I looked at him. After a few minutes of him looking at me sideways, I put my foot down on the rock less than a foot way (to see if he might want to come closer) and he did not move, but instead of looking at my foot, turned his head and looked at me square in the eyes. So interesting, that he knew our eyes were the point of communication between us and not my foot. I was glad that he trusted me and was not afraid even when I put my foot close to him. Anyway, we both lay on our respective rocks, enjoying the sun and looking at each other from time to time. It appears lizards are a bit more relaxed than chipmunks, but I think chipmunks would enjoy a good adventure. It was nice spending some time with my four-footed and winged neighbors today. Loving this place. :)

One with Source is Enough

While having Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS), this past week I read a passage that helped me as I have tried to tell others what I do. Trying to find consistent energy, a solution to ME/CFS, and improving my health doesn't always feel like an adequate/satisfying answer. I thought this might also help others struggling with wanting to be or have more at times, in whatever area that may be.

   "Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as a field of conscious Presence.
   Why does the ego play roles? Because of one unexamined assumption, one fundamental error, one unconscious thought. That thought is: I am not enough. Other unconscious thoughts follow: I need to play a role in order to get what I need to be fully myself; I need to get more so that I can be more. But you cannot be more than you are because underneath your physical and psychological form, you are one with Life itself, one with Being. In form, you are and will always be inferior to some, superior to others. In essence, you are neither inferior nor superior to anyone. True self-esteem and true humility arise out of that realization."  --- from A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle p.109

Yes. I am one with God/Being/The Source of Life itself. I didn't choose to be where I am, but this is where I am. I didn't do anything wrong, this is just where God (the name I personally give to this Source of Life) has me. I've tried to get better, and after 6.5 years, I'm still trying. It could change, God could heal me in an instant, but that hasn't happened. It is all ok. I don't need to make a million dollars, or whatever amount, or be the hero to be enough. I am one with God, God loves me, and that is enough.

God, do with me what you will. Teach me what you will. Thank you for this life!

Holy Wind Blow

The holy wind brings memories
  of those I've known.
I give to it my prayers
  and send it to return 
to give to those of my past
 and bless their days
with a smile and a laugh.

Earthing

Two people this year have told me about this, one right after I saw the book the same day, so I decided to buy it. Some of the audio is online. I have to admit putting my barefeet on the ground often makes me feel better. :)
http://www.earthinginstitute.net/index.php/book

Audio to the book:
http://www.earthing.com/earthing-book-audio-preview.php

Dedicated to Scottie Ashley, his family, and all those who have supported him...

The 1992 Olympics in Barcelona

Almost 20 years later, few remember who won this race, but many remember Derek Redmond and his Father. Who knows what trials we have will inspire others in life...

Prayers

Prayers and thoughts going out for a dear family in Australia ...

Win The Moment

I've seen parts of this poem in two different places in the past two days and want to share it:

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann c.1920
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was back at Whole Foods this week and tried to memorize the quote from Eckhart Tolle that I saw there recently. Here it is to the best of my memory:

"When you are in the Now, your attention fully in the present moment, that presence will flow into and transform all that you do." -Eckhart Tolle

I have been trying to do this lately, to not live in the future or the past, but to live in this day, this moment, for I only have it to live once. Focusing on keeping a continuous breath without pause (as I read about in The Presence Process) helps me do this at times, as well as my mantra of late:
breathing in:   "Win..."
breathing out: "the Moment..."
:)

Baseball and Life

"I walked down to the end of the street tonight and watched a little league baseball game. The kids were the age where most of them still know how to run better than throw or catch. It was the first time I've ever seen someone make an inside-the-park home run on a bunt.

I was impressed by the coaches of one all-black team. They were competitive, knew baseball, and encouraged their players to play as professionals (such as telling them to try to throw out a player stealing second base, even though some of them couldn't throw very well). Most impressive was when a player on their team made a mistake, they didn't berate them, but put their arm around them and talked to them (I imagine about how to improve it next time), told them it was ok, or in some way encouraged them. It did my heart good to see coaches who enjoy what they do, pass on their knowledge, and care about their players as they did!"

Redemption of Suffering

I wrote this while staying with my parents last month after having a spinal tap, being extremely sensitive to light, and not being able to get out of bed. After my Dad had come into my room and brought me some food, I was wondering about the purpose of suffering. It occurred to me that one thing suffering can do is display the beauty of compassion in people and, at our best, spur us to work together. I also noticed, after not seeing anything outside for I don't know how many days, how beautiful are the crevices of bark on a tree in the afternoon sun. During that time I made an attempt to write down these thoughts:

The Thread

In the tapestry of this world,

there is a mysterious thread

that touches every other,

from the base to the head.

It is a thread called suffering,

and its color is thundering.

"What's the purpose of this cast?"

leaves the other wovens wondering.

But the Weaver knows,

in both fair and foul weather,

this one displays the kindness of the whole,

and binds them all together.

Because of this one,

the others are even brighter,

and working with this thunder,

makes the whole even tighter.

Clay

I wrote this on July 8th of this year when, after seeing a neurologist, I knew my extreme light sensitivity could be due to a spinal fluid leak. I would have a spinal tap the following week:

"Since I've been sensitive to light recently, I've needed to keep my room dark as I lay in bed at times during the day. Yesterday it was raining and I thought about what St. John of the Cross must have felt, being held at one time in a cold cell in a castle for his beliefs. Difficulties make me want to write at times. I started this yesterday while staring at the darkness in bed:

Why, O’ Potter, dark do you keep

with once prized, now sharded crest,

an earthen cistern in the deep

of this tumultuous, strong tempest?

In the swirling, do vases fly,

as in an universal dance,

some wet and leaking, but some dry

flashing in woven appearance.

So cries a vessel made of clay,

in cracked and dripping form,

“What’s the reason, why this way?”

amidst a blinding, crashing storm.

Pot-maker breathes, “My clay, don’t weep,

I make you and I make the years,

Breathe with me from within the deep,

To transport peace not holding fears.”

A Day to Remember

I spent the afternoon today in the sun at Bull Creek in Austin, swung on a rope swing, and watched dogs and people play. It's been years since I've done this and felt as good with the oscillating energy I've had. I felt like I should go study for my teacher certification program, but I just stayed as long as I desired, soaked in the sun, and let its healing rays penetrate my body.

I just finished reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller this week. He writes about life as living a story. Interesting stories have struggle. As Miller says, nobody goes to a movie to see a story about a guy who wants a Volvo, buys it, and that's it. Miller says we can choose things to attempt in our lives that make for a good story. I'd add however that some things happen to us in life that we don't choose. But that's what usually happens in the movies anyway. I felt better reading his book as I thought I have the makings of a good story.

Several weeks later now as I continue this post:
But Reality is not Hollywood. People die in earthquakes and floods, end of story. In this life at least. I used to dream of doing big things. I just moved into a house on a multi-ethnic street in East Austin last week, my neighbors on the right are Black and on the left Hispanic. Our "Abuelita" neighbor has brought us food twice in less that a week. Since we don't have our internet hooked up yet, I'm currently sitting outdoors at a cafe in East Austin that has Wifi. A few minutes ago, a young black man on the street walked by and we made eye contact. I could see he had a cut and dried blood on his cheek. He came over and sat down at my table. He told me he got hit in the face with a brick last night. We were able to share our stories of how things happen to us in life that we don't expect. He walked away with a smile on his face. Right now, sharing stories and making connections, that's big enough for me.

The Most Fulfilling Reality

I've had fatigue for the past 3 years and realize that it might be chronic fatigue syndrome. Seeing people around me who don't have this sometimes makes me wonder why I do. I had several thoughts a few nights ago after reading a book that made me declare to the world:

"Reality, unfold in my life in the most fulfilling way!"

Then I had this thought:
"The most fulfilling way is not always the easiest way."

Followed by this belief (which I choose to believe):
"Reality is unfolding in my life in the most fulfilling way, that I don't even know."

"Everything happens for a reason."

Greater Than I Thought

My understanding of God's greatness has changed the past several years and I believe that God's work in the world is now more extensive than I ever knew. One day several years ago while I was in a weight room working out, I turned on the television. C-SPAN was on and Francis Collins was speaking. He led the U.S. project that several years ago mapped the human genome (http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0702/voices.html).

He was talking about reading C.S. Lewis while he was an agnostic medical doctor and of later becoming a Christian. He wrote a book about his research and his faith called The Language of God. I was surprised at the end of his talk when he said he believed in macro-evolution (evolution from species to species and of every living thing coming from a single organism) to be true, based on the strong genetic evidence for it.

Up to then, I thought that everyone who believed in evolution had a bias against God. Now all of a sudden, here was a Christian, who obviously didn't have a bias against God, saying that evolution was true. Plus he led the entire human genome project, so it was hard to argue with his knowledge of genetics. In my thinking, if there really was genetic evidence against evolution, what a great opportunity for him as a Christian to confirm the Bible creation story. But instead he stated that the evidence indicates that evolution is true. He then explained that he believes God is outside of time and can use any method He desires to bring us into being. Sometime after this, it occurred to me that if this was true, the first two chapters of Genesis (the immediate creation of Adam and Eve by God) could not be literal. And then what about the Fall and original sin?

I also began to see that the things that I thought were unique to Christians (peace and joy in one's life, a changed life, goodness and kindness) also exist in people's lives who weren't Christians. One day when I was in school in Oklahoma, I felt led to buy a book in Borders called The G.O.D. Experiments.

In here, it talked about God doing amazing things, but not necessarily in a Christian context. I later read about people with a belief in God, who claimed that they were healed physically of an ailment, although they did not have exclusive Christian beliefs.

A person may ask, "If you don't believe that the creation story is literal, what do you believe and how do you arrive at that decision?" In this case I refer to what Paul says, 'The Spirit bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God." I believe God is real because He has made it known in my heart that He loves me and that I am His child. I believe other things with this same knowing in my heart. It is subjective, but it is real. God has used the Bible in this case to speak into my life. The same voice that tells me God loves me also speaks to me that people in other religions in the world who truly seek God may also know Him. God may uses other writings to speak into their lives as He used the Bible in mine. There is the evidence of God's Spirit in their lives. As Jesus said, "Ye shall know them by their fruits." A result of this understanding is that a door of fellowship is opened with people of other religions that did not exist to me before. This creates the opportunity for more shared experiences and a greater understanding and enjoyment of God our Creator.

Prayer has been a vital part of my life. God has used it to change me and I have since learned that there are parts of other religions that have a strong focus on prayer. When I am in prayer and fellowship with God, I find I have more in common with these people who are in prayer also and who reflect His joy and kindness.

As an example, Zen Buddhists don’t explicitly name God, but implicitly they believe there is a way of living that brings peace, calm, and kindness to life; where they seek to be aware of and enjoy each moment. They often meditate in order to strengthen this awareness. Since I have had questions about the Bible, I have tried it and have interestingly experienced God in it. Could it be that this is what they are doing as well? Whether someone names God may not be as important as to whether that person spends time with God and connects.

For computer programmers, I thought about this one day in object-oriented programming terms. I see God as begin the Base class having the attributes and/or methods of love, caring, and justice. The religions of the world are derived from this base class and some of them add erroneous attributes and/or methods (errors in their scripture and actions) which are not of the Base class (God), while at the same time having attributes of the Base class. Although they have errors, this does not mean that God isn't in part of that religion. Even though I don't take all of the Bible to be literal, God still uses it in my life, just as He uses other things.

At the same time, I do believe there is power in what we put in our minds. God has made us in such a way that what we think about affects our feelings. When I read the Bible, I am encouraged by certain things in it (The Sermon on the Mount, Romans 8:28, and others). I believe there is power in filling our minds with things like that. Those are the things that I believe are in the Base class. For me, it's important to listen to God's voice in my heart. As I mentioned above, this happens along the lines of what Paul wrote, "God's Spirit bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God." Paul was saying that we commune with God in Spirit. I believe that is one of the true things in the Bible. Things such as God's love for me and life with Him after this life is over is something I believe is real. Life doesn't work without them. That's what also tells me that they are real and true and we are supposed to believe them.

I don't want to make someone question beliefs that bring them hope, because I know the joy and power it can bring. I write for those whose beliefs prohibit a greater good and joy from happening in their life (i.e. greater enjoyment and fellowship with others from different faith expressions who have the same Base class) or whose beliefs cause them pain when they are trying to believe something is true, but when God, through their mind and heart, may be telling them otherwise.

I also write this for others having questions. This time, for me, has turned into a greater understanding of God and His work in the world. I believe that knowing more truth, wherever it takes me, is knowing more of God. I believe that God is real, and that it is really important to know truth and in turn God, for our greatest joy and the sake of the world.

In this journey, these books were helpful to me as these authors have had similar or the same questions that I was having (for those who are interested):

A New Kind of Christian
The Story We Find Ourselves In
The Last Word and The Word After That all by Brian McLaren

Reading The Bible Again For The First Time by Marcus Borg
(especially part of his chapter on Revelation starting at page 276)

Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed The Bible and Why by Bart Ehrman
(Erhman's introduction of his life which can be read in the Amazon reader is quite interesting)

When Things Don't Happen As Expected...

Just over two years ago, while in graduate school I began having low energy problems. I went to the student health center and had blood work done to try to determine the reason. Nothing showed up as abnormal or unusual. It wasn’t until about a year and a half later, about six months ago, that I found out I had a parasite that was zapping my energy.

At this time in my life when I am being treated for it, my energy varies from day to day, and I don’t have as much to give as I used to. As I was driving tonight, I was thinking of the definition of success. School and work has a way of making me think of performance and feeling good, but performing well hasn’t currently been in my life. Success for me now is not worrying, looking to God in each moment, and being content in Him. I can’t say I’ve done that much today, but I’m now revising my definition of success.

On The Mountain Outside Durango, CO

Sink In

I'm looking at a myriad of small icicles hanging from a tree outside my window. I like winter. It is a time when nature slows down to take a rest. It can be a time to connect and refocus if we allow ourselves to.

Dignity

God has instituted prayer so as to confer upon his creatures the dignity of being causes.
– Blaise Pascal